Thoughts Flooding My Head

Day 7

I saved a pear from last night to eat for breakfast today. However, a pear isn’t enough for breakfast for me. I couldn’t help but think about how hungry I was up until the snack break (yay for orange slices and cheese). I went to the optional worship because I have found I feel closest to God when I’m singing songs of worship. Brian had a different idea for worship, though. He wants us to be aware of different forms of worship. Today’s was silent worship. SILENT. I did a night and morning of silence at VDC, but worship in silence? We read some of the psalms in our head. It’s definitely not something I think of when I think worship, so I hope God understood it as worship…

And then after optional worship, they had “group time” where we discussed an assigned Bible passage and prayed for the people group “Tribal” and the missionaries that are out there helping them find God. It was a weird setup, and wasn’t orchestrated well, because my group didn’t get to finish reading our passage (and no one got to share what they just read and discovered) and we didn’t finish praying. The speaker – Bruce Koch [pronounced “cook”] – had a late start because of all of this “group work” and didn’t get through everything he wanted to.

Because I wasn’t impressed much by the speaker, the readings that he supported were a chore to me. Yesterday I enjoyed what I was reading, and was excited for what I was learning. But today it was just a pain. I tried to take a twenty minute nap, and was interrupted three times. Oh well, I didn’t really need the sleep, God gave me the strength and the perseverance. Two of the guys joined me for awhile in the coed lounge – Josh and Tracey. But this random dude came in, asked if he could watch a movie – and of course I said yes. I really tried to study with the tv on, but I took after the boys’ exit, and quietly packed up my things and left the man watching Meet the Parents.

I had a little over half an hour before dinner, so instead of going to my room I went to my Jill’s –my small group leader’s room. She was supposed to have three people in her room, but it’s just two. But because of the third person, they’re on the other side of the dorms. She and I just talked about plans for Small Group Weekend (IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS FOR WHAT TO DO IN THE LA AREA, LET ME KNOW!!!) before being joined by her boyfriend. Then the three of us joined Tracey, John, and Kevin for dinner.

I got to sit with Kevin, Tracey, and Brian (who’s in charge of the program), which I haven’t done yet. It was cool to talk and relate to the guys, and Brian.

Tonight was Project Night, where we had another speaker come in, and talk to just us. He’s the head guy for Christian Challenge at USC. He had a lot to say about change, and it was really good. A lot of times, especially with new Christians, we try to change our behavior. But all that does is create a wall that filters good and bad, which is based off of perspective and values, and over time builds up and will eventually break. Behavior isn’t what needs to change – it’s your perspectives and values. It’s important to know where you are. If you’re only a 2, don’t claim to be a 7. There’s growth and experiences you need if you’re a 2 that you will miss out on if you’re claiming to be a 7, instead of admitting to being a 2.

God cares about the change from inside out. And that’s what we need to focus on in ourselves.

Overall, today was alright. My thoughts are out of control, and I’m constantly praying for focus on God. My father figure is my dad. Even though we never really got along, he was there, skewing what I thought it means to be a “man.” In the almost 20 years I’ve been alive, I’ve never once seen him cry. He doesn’t understand emotions – they are “womanly” and if I’m going to succeed in the business world, I need to know how to think like a man. He’s ruthless with words, and doesn’t care about others except himself. He’s lost with his faith, and thinks fully relying on God is an example of human stupidity. How was I supposed to know that not all men are like this? This past year has been a real eye opener to me, about the different kinds of guys there are out there. A man who’s in love with God, who WANTS to pursue me, who thinks I’m not worthless….that’s not too much to ask for! My last VDC weekend was really good for me to see couples of varying ages, both in love with God and serving him individually as well as a couple. I didn’t know such a thing exists! So now to be SURROUNDED by a group of guys that are all about God, admirable character, strong-willed, and my age….Satan is having fun with me. I’m not thinking about marriage, or kissing, or anything like that. It’s more basic, more high school…it’s along the lines of “I wonder what it would be like if I could talk with him about God for an hour?” or “I wonder what HIS testimony is…” It’s harmless, but for me, it’s crossing the line. I came here with a line already drawn. I’m not here to hook up (and there’s even that no dating rule for everyone to follow) and I want to focus on God. But it just blows me away that there are even THIS many number of guys who are doing something with their life for Christ, and makes God a big part of their life.

I’m trying hard to focus on God, and letting him show me that even though the bar is set high, it’s not unattainable by the guy He’s got planned for me. I feel so, I don’t know…conceited? that I KNOW that God’s got someone for me. God has told me over and over that there’s someone for me, and right now it’s about healing from my last relationship and preparing for the new one. It’s scary to think that God loves me sooo much He has a plan of more happiness than I could ever imagine. God’s just so cool, and His majesty is just too great to understand so often…I just wish I wasn’t so focused on me. That’s a problem American Christians have… “How does the scripture apply to MY life?” instead of “How does the scripture show God’s will?”

Prayer Requests: may my thoughts concentrate on God
may God bless and guide each of us here the Project.


P.S. Burt >>> Mark Carter says “HEY!!!!” and that you’re one of the coolest people he’s ever met.